"I designed you to live in union with Me." (Jesus Calling, September 16)
That sentence struck a chord deep within me today. I'm convicted that perhaps I should read these entries in the morning instead of evening. Perhaps the words would bounce around in my head during the day, encouraging me to strive to live more near Him.
It also reminding me of War of Words when I realized that until the original sin, Adam and Eve lived in communion with God. They worshiped with Him. They talked with Him, heard His voice, felt His love as easily as each others'.
I often feel like Adam and Eve. In my heart, I desire an intimate, loving relationship with Christ, but I am so ashamed of my sin. I wear my sin like a shield, telling myself that God cannot really love such a sinner. I am ashamed to stand before God, I want to hide my face from him. How can I face such goodness, such perfection, when I am soiled? When I have done such terrible things? Hurt people so badly? I see the brokenness in this relationship. I see the veil my sin has created, how it is preventing me from living with Christ, near Christ, clinging to Him, allowing Him to fully work in my life, fulfilling me.
The entry today was more about allowing God to work in us and through us. However, I find my sin to be my stumbling block in allowing that. I love the sentences "If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. I know you intimately--far better than you know yourself. In union with Me, you are complete. In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be." I know the sentence "I know you intimately--far better than you know yourself" should be comforting to me, but my face burns with shame. I can not hide my sin from Him. I can not hide who I really am. Yet, in union with Him, I am complete. He forgives my sin. He paid for my sin. How can I look upon the face that bore the shame, that suffered the consequence, that paid the price for me? How can I accept such an offering of love? There are moments when I struggle so much with the weight of who I truly am that I can not find the gospel or the grace that is offered. He has found me. Despite all that I am, all that I fall short, He has chosen me. Sometimes I simply cannot accept His offering. I simply am not worthy.
Perhaps instead of writing this entire post, I could have just typed these lyrics:
My Lord, I did not choose You,
For that could never be;
My heart would still refuse You,
Had You not chosen me.
You took the sin that stained me,
You cleansed me, made me new;
Of old You have ordained me,
That I should live in You.
Unless Your grace had called me
And taught my op’ning mind,
The world would have enthralled me,
To heav’nly glories blind.
My heart knows none above You;
For Your rich grace I thirst;
I know that if I love You,
You must have loved me first.
Every day I live in the lines: My Lord, I did not chose you, for that could never be. My heart would still refuse you, had you not chosen me.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Pruning The Vines
My precious spouse and I have recently joined a small home group to strengthen our individual relationships with Christ and to deepen our relationships with other believers. It's been a breath of fresh air for us as we've struggled through some things in the past year or so, individually, as a couple, and as members in corporate worship. These struggles have produced some fruit and some continue to cause some chafing as we are pruned and are doing some pruning ourselves.
H wasn't able to attend small group last night. I went alone and it was surely a blessing to me. We talked about the vineyard. This passage from Proverbs, specifically:
Proverbs 24: 30-34
30I went past the field of the sluggard,
past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment;
31thorns had come up everywhere,
the ground was covered with weeds,
and the stone wall was in ruins.
32I applied my heart to what I observed
and learned a lesson from what I saw:
33A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest—
34and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.a
What does it mean to tend the vineyard? How long does "a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest" take to destroy the vineyard? One day? One slip up? One month?
At the beginning of the discussion, we talked about the marks of a healthy church. One commentary says that the only way to measure the health of the church is by the spirituality of each member: is each member growing in Christ, becoming more sanctified?
As a group, we talked about how this applied to believers. How do we ensure we are keeping the vineyard (our lives) so that we are fruitful in spirit? Are we growing in Christ or are we resting, slumbering, not working at keeping the vineyard fruitful?
The host of small group encouraged us to choose one small thing to work on this week to draw us closer, to tend the vineyard more diligently.
Several weeks ago, I purchased Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. As is often the case, I've read every fiction book I bought the same day, but left this book in the bag in a chair. I've debated about what I wanted to commit to doing for one week. Several ideas bounced around, but I've continued to come back to reading The Word more this week, to spend 15 minutes each day quietly reading my Bible. On the way upstairs to bathe my daughter, I grabbed Jesus Calling, thinking it would be a good diving board for my reading tonight. As M soaked, I read the introduction, to gain an understanding of the author and why she wrote this book (Do you find that as helpful as I do? I do that in most texts.). Then I opened to the entry for today.
The very first sentence for today convicted me, "Worship Me (God) by living close to Me."
Deep breath. Tears filled my eyes. Okay, Lord...speak a little more clearly to me, please. How better to tend the vineyard than to LIVE CLOSE TO GOD? The entry goes on to remind us that God's original design for His people was that His people would live near Him, commune with Him, worship in accord with Him.
One of my favorite parts in this entry is: "Although you may feel as if you are going nowhere in this world, your spiritual journey is another matter altogether, taking you along steep, treacherous paths of adventure. That is why walking in Light of My Presence is essential to keep you from stumbling." Or is essential to maintain the vineyard.
This past year has been a year of challenging pruning for me. Last summer, the Lord and I had wonderful communion together as we wrestled through some of my issues. Instead of continuing the struggle to grow closer, I took time for a little sleep, a little slumber, some folding of the hands as I chose to rest. My vineyard is full of thistles and thorns. It is not a beautiful place in which I cherish my time with the Lord. It's time to tended to the vineyard so that I can bear fruit for the Lord.
H wasn't able to attend small group last night. I went alone and it was surely a blessing to me. We talked about the vineyard. This passage from Proverbs, specifically:
Proverbs 24: 30-34
30I went past the field of the sluggard,
past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment;
31thorns had come up everywhere,
the ground was covered with weeds,
and the stone wall was in ruins.
32I applied my heart to what I observed
and learned a lesson from what I saw:
33A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest—
34and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.a
What does it mean to tend the vineyard? How long does "a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest" take to destroy the vineyard? One day? One slip up? One month?
At the beginning of the discussion, we talked about the marks of a healthy church. One commentary says that the only way to measure the health of the church is by the spirituality of each member: is each member growing in Christ, becoming more sanctified?
As a group, we talked about how this applied to believers. How do we ensure we are keeping the vineyard (our lives) so that we are fruitful in spirit? Are we growing in Christ or are we resting, slumbering, not working at keeping the vineyard fruitful?
The host of small group encouraged us to choose one small thing to work on this week to draw us closer, to tend the vineyard more diligently.
Several weeks ago, I purchased Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. As is often the case, I've read every fiction book I bought the same day, but left this book in the bag in a chair. I've debated about what I wanted to commit to doing for one week. Several ideas bounced around, but I've continued to come back to reading The Word more this week, to spend 15 minutes each day quietly reading my Bible. On the way upstairs to bathe my daughter, I grabbed Jesus Calling, thinking it would be a good diving board for my reading tonight. As M soaked, I read the introduction, to gain an understanding of the author and why she wrote this book (Do you find that as helpful as I do? I do that in most texts.). Then I opened to the entry for today.
The very first sentence for today convicted me, "Worship Me (God) by living close to Me."
Deep breath. Tears filled my eyes. Okay, Lord...speak a little more clearly to me, please. How better to tend the vineyard than to LIVE CLOSE TO GOD? The entry goes on to remind us that God's original design for His people was that His people would live near Him, commune with Him, worship in accord with Him.
One of my favorite parts in this entry is: "Although you may feel as if you are going nowhere in this world, your spiritual journey is another matter altogether, taking you along steep, treacherous paths of adventure. That is why walking in Light of My Presence is essential to keep you from stumbling." Or is essential to maintain the vineyard.
This past year has been a year of challenging pruning for me. Last summer, the Lord and I had wonderful communion together as we wrestled through some of my issues. Instead of continuing the struggle to grow closer, I took time for a little sleep, a little slumber, some folding of the hands as I chose to rest. My vineyard is full of thistles and thorns. It is not a beautiful place in which I cherish my time with the Lord. It's time to tended to the vineyard so that I can bear fruit for the Lord.
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