Union with Me

"I designed you to live in union with Me." (Jesus Calling, September 16)

That sentence struck a chord deep within me today. I'm convicted that perhaps I should read these entries in the morning instead of evening. Perhaps the words would bounce around in my head during the day, encouraging me to strive to live more near Him.

It also reminding me of War of Words when I realized that until the original sin, Adam and Eve lived in communion with God. They worshiped with Him. They talked with Him, heard His voice, felt His love as easily as each others'.

I often feel like Adam and Eve. In my heart, I desire an intimate, loving relationship with Christ, but I am so ashamed of my sin. I wear my sin like a shield, telling myself that God cannot really love such a sinner. I am ashamed to stand before God, I want to hide my face from him. How can I face such goodness, such perfection, when I am soiled? When I have done such terrible things? Hurt people so badly? I see the brokenness in this relationship. I see the veil my sin has created, how it is preventing me from living with Christ, near Christ, clinging to Him, allowing Him to fully work in my life, fulfilling me.

The entry today was more about allowing God to work in us and through us. However, I find my sin to be my stumbling block in allowing that. I love the sentences "If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. I know you intimately--far better than you know yourself. In union with Me, you are complete. In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be." I know the sentence "I know you intimately--far better than you know yourself" should be comforting to me, but my face burns with shame. I can not hide my sin from Him. I can not hide who I really am. Yet, in union with Him, I am complete. He forgives my sin. He paid for my sin. How can I look upon the face that bore the shame, that suffered the consequence, that paid the price for me? How can I accept such an offering of love? There are moments when I struggle so much with the weight of who I truly am that I can not find the gospel or the grace that is offered. He has found me. Despite all that I am, all that I fall short, He has chosen me. Sometimes I simply cannot accept His offering. I simply am not worthy.

Perhaps instead of writing this entire post, I could have just typed these lyrics:
My Lord, I did not choose You,
For that could never be;
My heart would still refuse You,
Had You not chosen me.
You took the sin that stained me,
You cleansed me, made me new;
Of old You have ordained me,
That I should live in You.

Unless Your grace had called me
And taught my op’ning mind,
The world would have enthralled me,
To heav’nly glories blind.
My heart knows none above You;
For Your rich grace I thirst;
I know that if I love You,
You must have loved me first.

Every day I live in the lines: My Lord, I did not chose you, for that could never be. My heart would still refuse you, had you not chosen me.